Wham bam thank you mam. So just over 3 years ago today, I gave birth to bouncing baby boy, Maximus.

I fell pregnant with him after having 2 miscarriages on the bounce. His pregnancy has been my worst so far, I was sooooooo sick throughout. I lost weight being pregnant with him! I couldn’t eat anything and just spewed. I went to the early pregnancy unit a few times and was admitted, to go on a drip & have fluids pumped in. Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) is really wank! I literally didn’t speak to the baby daddy for the whole time I was pregnant, other than to tell him to ‘fuck off’ and ‘leave me alone’. I had to drive with a sick bucket! I would wake up in the middle of the night to be sick! My friends hated me πŸ˜‚ coz I was so moody. It’s honestly the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And would only wish it on People I don’t like 😎 So I always want to punch people in the back of their shit heads, when they tell me they’ve got it or had it. Yet, they’re out shopping, having a fucking ‘baby moon’, sorting the babies nursery, rocking a blow dry! IF YOU HAD IT THAT SHIT WOULD NOT BE GOING DOWN. I mainly just sat on the sofa, with a sick bucket. I can remember crying my eyes out, on the phone to my BFF whilst my head was over the toilet, saying how shit I felt & feeling so faint. I had thoughts of having an abortion at times! Because it was so horrendous. But wanting a mini Raoul Moat outweighed the dog shitness.

So I put those donut people in the same league, as the people who say they have flu. Yet are standing upright in front of my very eyesπŸ™„ Errr no mate, I’ve had flu once in my life & I could not move for 3 days! So grow up.

Maximus was born nearly 4 weeks early, my waters went whilst I was at Petes house, looking after Finn & Deliah. Peta had gone into have Frey on the Monday morning, so I’d been doing her housework all day. I made Finn his favourite Gammon roast. I ironed the bed sheets. Then about 10pm I had a bath and got into Petes bed. I really had a feeling he was coming that night. But didn’t say anything to anyone. I had said a few days before, that I felt like my vagina was going to fall off πŸ˜‚ I know now that was his head engaged.

I then awoke at 11.45pm to my waters going! There were waters galore! I literally jumped out of bed & they came out like there was no tomoz! I could paddle on the floor in the water. I then rang the baby daddy, who praise the lord had only just fallen asleep! He’s the heaviest sleeper I know, so he would not of woken up to his phone! Then I called the labour ward, who umm’d and ahh’d about me coming in, as I wasn’t having contractions. But because I wasn’t 37 weeks and had tested positive for strep B, they said come in. I then called my sister. So she got picked up by my mum & they drove over to Petes house.

The baby daddy had already said he didn’t want to come in, when I was in labour 😱 And everyone tried telling me, he would change his mind when it actually come to it. But i knew he wouldn’t. He’s literally useless! So I honestly wasn’t bothered, I just didn’t want him to regret not coming. Obviously this was my first birth, so I didn’t know how it would be. So my main concern, was that we would end up killing each other πŸ˜‚ I kid you not, he would not give 2 shits that I was in labour, he wouldn’t be able to process that shit, in his tiny brain. So my mother and sister were coming in with me.

Now, whilst all the peoples were driving over. I was walking round Petes house, with a bath sheet in between my legs, i was still leaking my waters like a mofo. I stripped Petes bed, mopped up all my waters, I got out Delilah’s & Finns clothes for the morning. They were going up to the hospital in the morning, to meet their new baby brother Frey. So I knew Pete wouldn’t want them looking like tramps or with just thrown together clothes! I didn’t want to ring Pete & tell her I was in labour, even though I knew she’d be up. Coz I didn’t want her to have to worry about the kids & Who was going to look after them. I had tried ringing Mac about 100 times! But she’s one of those divs that turns her phone off at night. So luckily, the baby daddy’s mum came over to Petes to be there for the kids. They had met her before, so it wasn’t a stranger to them.

I wrote a list of things that needed doing for the morning, luckily she’s a good egg and didnt mind some hard graft πŸ˜‚

The baby daddy, my mum and sister then arrived about 12.30? I still wasn’t having any pains. So felt grand. So my mother drove me to the hospital, it was en route that I could start to feel a bit of a belly ache coming and going. So I thought I’ll time them just incase these are something. And they were coming every 2mins.

So I arrived at the hospital about 1am, still nothing to complain about. The midwife asked me if I was having any contractions & I said I didn’t know πŸ˜€ That I was having some pains coming and going but nothing bad. So she told me I had ages yet. She couldn’t examine me, because I wasn’t 37weeks, so I had to wait for a Doctor. She put me on the monitor to listen to Maximus’ heart, he was grand, so I told her to take it off. I didn’t like lying down, it felt worse. LUCKILY, there was a doctor outside. He come in & examined me & told me I was 10cm 😱 So I walked round to the other room. En route round, the midwife asked me if I wanted any pain relief, I said no as I felt a bit sick but I’m not a martyr! So if i change my mind, don’t be telling me no!

I got in the room and I said I need the toilet, I need a poo! So I went in and nada, come back out and said I need to go again. And my mother said ‘that’s the baby’ and I shouted it’s not the baby, I’m Gona SHIT MYSELF πŸ’ƒπŸ» And then i bent over the bed 😎 The midwife started having a panic attack, she was trying to get the fucking Cannula into my hand for the antibiotics! But then started shouting at me to get on the bed 😱 Told my mum to press the button! And with that, his head was out and chilling πŸ˜‚ A couple of other midwives come in. I can remember her holding down my knees. My mum and sister in the corner of the room, my mum had tried to touch me when I got on the bed πŸ˜‚ But I said ‘what the fuck are you doing’ 😩 And Carrie kept telling me she could see him. Then once his head was out, nothing else happened. The contractions just stopped. So his head was chilling there for a couple of minute. I shouted FUCK A DUCKKKKKKKKK a few times & YOU FUCKING LITTLE PRICK πŸ˜‚ as his head came out. Then I pushed the rest of him out. And my work was did at 2.19am 😎

I really can’t complain about giving birth, my mum had always said ‘it’s like doing a big poo’ and that’s how i can only describe it as. I know it’s not like that for everyone but for me, it was a piece of piss πŸ’πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Although my placenta didn’t come out with Maximus, so I had to go to theatre to have it out πŸ€— But even that wasn’t horrific. Weird but not painful. They wheeled me round, after Maximus was taken to special care for his antibiotics. They tried to inject me in my back but I passed out 😭 And I can remember coming round to everyone over me. The only time I panicked is when I heard them say they might have to give me a general anaesthetic, if it didn’t work. I can remember just being frightened they’d give me too much and I wouldn’t wake up! And thinking about Maximus! But then they got it in. And I had to wait for it to kick in. They spray you with some cold spray, which you should be able to feel but not feel that’s it cold. It’s really weird! Then they go in & get that placenta out!!!! I was literally lying there with a woman, with her whole entire arm, up inside me!!!! I could feel her rooting about and trying to tug at the placenta πŸ˜‚

All whilst the radio was playing and she was chatting to the nurse. And the hottest male anaesthetist I’d ever seen! I swear to god I can remember almost apologising for not doing my bikini line to himπŸ˜‚ THANK FUCK I DIDNT! Could you imagine, I’ve just given birth & im flirting with the man numbing my vagina & lady parts!!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜©And even though it wasn’t ideal, it’s not painful! It’s just an Inconvenience & really common! So no fear if yours decides to stay in your body.

After all that beef, I then went into the recovery room and waited for Maximus to come back with my mum, from special care. The baby daddy and my sister were asleep over a desk. And I told them to go home, I kid you not, they couldn’t of moved quicker if they fucking tried! The baby daddy had already told me how tired he was! So he was too frightened to hold the baby πŸ™„ The midwife also came in & apologised for telling me I had ages. But thy she could only go by what I was telling her. Which I totes got.

Once my mother left, I then text Mac, Pete & Julie a picture of the baby on my chest πŸ˜‚ And Pete text back straight away in shock. She did eventually ask about the welfare of her beloved children πŸ˜‚.

We stayed a couple of days in hospital because of the strep B. Maximus had to have the antibiotics until his blood culture thangs came back. The first day I just wanted to get home. But then I honestly loved it! Just me and him, on our own. I really love the hospital time, I find it so special! And I feel like I really know, in that moment how special the time is. And I try and take in alllllll in, whilst I’m there. If you’re with child now, really savour it whilst your in there. It honestly goes so fast, it’s scary.

So this time 3 years ago, I was loving life, chilling on the sofa, whilst Maximus did nothing but sleep. I was watching the sopranos box set for about 10hrs a day! Oh how life has changed!


Alabama Lola 🀰🏻

Algebra you slag

You know when your kid and you get all excited about opening a letter. And you’d wonder why your mum, would just pick them up and put them on the side! Not even rushing to open them. Then you become an adult and realise, that the only thing that comes through the letter box, is bills! Every fucking day, some slag company wants money. No French pen pal is writing to me! No, I have epping forest council on the regular, crying about paying the council tax. Which seems to go up every year, yet my car goes down a pot hole every 2 meters, my bins have maggots in them, there’s about 2 policemen to 20,000 residents. Being an adult is dog wank.

So last week, all was well in the world and then I opened my post! And taaadaaaaa a fucking bailiffs letter 😎 Now, if you’re a goody two shoes, pay all your bills on time, then don’t come for me. Because I am not your type of person. It was from the court, telling me I had so many days until a bailiff would call, if I didn’t pay the amount, which is Β£250. But underneath it, there’s another amount of Β£3000 πŸ™„ So I didn’t have a clue what they were coming at me for. So I rang the court and the woman tells me, I have a fucking CCJ!!!! News to me biatch! So that kind of stopped me in my tracks. Mainly because I didn’t & still don’t know what a CCJ is, other than the court are getting themselves in involved. So I have to pay it blah blah blah. The court woman gave me the solicitors details, who are acting on behalf of the creditor. So I rang them & they tell me it’s for some credit card I had when I was about 18. But hold fire on that for now.My main concern was the CCJ that’s living life on my credit file now. I told the woman this was the first I’ve heard of it & surely I should of had some kind of chance to deal with it, before it got to a CCJ. She informed me, that yes I did have to be given a chance & been informed of it prior. And she tells me they’ve been sending letters to some address, I haven’t been at for over 5years! And they were getting ‘return to sender’ letters back! Well fuck a duck Sherlock, surely that gave you the heads up! So I’ve had to send some form to the council, blah blah blah, that basically says I want to suspend the debt. And some long letter about wanting to appeal the CCJ. Now the debt, is from years ago! Well over 10years, so some debt advice company that the court woman, gave me the details of. Told me I can appeal it on the basis of it being statute barred, which is basically where a certain amount of time has passed, since any payment or communication was had with the company, so they can’t chase me for it anymore πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ Do I feel bad .. NO! First of all, I took the card out when I was 18!!! When every 2 bob company offered me everything and anything! Every time you go shopping & your at the tills paying, the shop assistant is asking you if you want a store card! So now, I’m older and wiser, I think FUCK YOU! I honestly never had a clue when I was 18 about anything to do with credit reports/profiles/scores and how being late on payments, missing payments would fuck you over! When you want to take out a finance on something you really want or need, you can’t! For when you want to get a mortgage, it affects your rate and all that jazz! It makes my blood boil that they don’t teach this shit at school! Why do I need to know that 3.14 shit & all about algebra! When I’ve never used it in real life EVER! Yet, these life skills that really matter, not a fucking mention! Then I get mad dog at my mum and dad, coz they never mentioned this shit either! So there dicks too. But my point being, if these companies want to prey on people. Then fuck them! They can swivel for their money. No 18year old needs a fucking credit card! Or a store card for Ikea … what the fuck was I buying in ikea at 18! And I wouldn’t mind, when I was buying all this shit initially, I had the money to buy it there and then! Because I never went into a shop with the intention of getting a store card! These companies should be held accountable for allowing people to get into debt! And so should the likes of Topshop & new look, who then try and entice you with one at the till! I imagine they get some kind of commission. I know that everyone has a choice and all that jazz. But some people don’t know it’s going to be a problem, until it’s too late. So it really shouldn’t be that easy! I’m only thankful that I was so young, when I was living it up in Topshop errryday. Because it made me realise early doors that I had to pay that shit off. So before it would of attacked me, when it came to buying a house. I’m not saying I’ve knocked everyone. I paid all that shit off years back! But this one is defo getting knocked. The best bit about it all, is when the letter came. And I was trying to sort it out. I wasn’t speaking to the baby daddy. So when I was on the phone to the court and the solicitors, I was speaking loud enough for him to hear. Knowing that it would be killing him! KILLING HIM, to not come down and say WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FOR πŸ˜‚ He only asked me today, what i had a letter about πŸ˜‚ He’s the type of person that I want to be, accounts for all his money. Pays everything on time πŸ™„ Hates people that spend above their means … so basically hates me! But listen, sometimes the council tax has to send me a reminder letter, so that I can own something i need πŸ’ƒπŸ»πŸ’ƒπŸ»πŸ’ƒπŸ» I really should put that on a direct debit but I forget that shit.Although when I first opened the letter, I did think SHIT, the baby daddy is going to ruin my life 😱😱😱 And then I thought ohhhh fuck yourself! What can he say, I had a life before him. I had a credit card, I didn’t pay it, NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS! Until they repossess our house he pays for πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ So, if you’re young and fresh. Have your whole life ahead of you kind of thing. Don’t be a dick like I was! Really look after your credit score! I’m going to join that Experian again. And watch mine like hawk, like I did pre mortgage. And if you have kids, tell them about this shit!!!! Oh and the best thing is, I now can’t find the fucking letter! So I don’t know any of my case numbers and the info they ask for! And I need to know that they’ve got that form! To make sure the bailiff doesn’t turn up, take my car, take my tv, take the baby daddy’s playstation πŸ˜‚ Call the police because I’ve set the dog on him πŸ™„ Why am i such a shit adult! WHY Mucho love Alabama Lola βœ‰οΈ

Honest parenting

I wrote a blog a while back about instagrams mind fuckness. How we look at what people CHOOSE to show us, the cringe captions they write to go with them & then decide their lives are sooooo much better than ours.

But this topic is specifically about ‘insta mums’ and how we think they’re Iceland’s Mum of year because of their posts.

So obviously I’m the maker and owner of children. So I follow plenty of ‘insta mums’ and as I post about #MumLife. I’m an insta mum as well. Which is all gravy. Now, the main purpose of this blog, is to say DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE! And don’t make yourself feel like shite because you’re comparing yourself against someone else. As I said in my previous blog on the subject, I look at all my feed with common sense, especially when it comes to other mums. If I didn’t, I would honestly feel like shit!

Now, we all LOVE our children, that’s never up for debate. Yet, most people on instagram, only ever declare their undying love for their kids! Telling us, how they’ve had such a lovely day, how they’ve loved spending time with their kids. Blah blah fucking blah. And I don’t doubt they did all have a lovely day. And that they do like spending time with their kids. BUT not every god damn second of the day!

So when I’m seeing these posts, I HAVE to actually tell myself that they all have shit as well! That they must shout at their kids as well! They must lose their temper and then feel guilty. They must grab their child by the arm, dragging them along the ground 😱 possibly resulting in a dislocated shoulder. They must find bath time a fucking chore! And end up shouting about the kids splashing all the water out of the bath, covering the floor. So finding the towel that you use as a bath mat, to wipe it up for the millionth time! They must start reading the book, their perfect child has chosen, and then get the hump with said child, as they turn the fucking page that you haven’t finished reading! So you end up saying ‘I’m not fucking reading it then’. They must threaten to punch their kids head in, if he kicks the back of the drivers seat one more time! THEY MUST.

But they don’t tell you any of that shit. And obviously that’s their choice! BUT it’s a mind fuck, even to people that are quite confident and strong minded in their parenting abilities. Now, without sounding wankey, I know I’m a good mum! As are 99% of mums, yet some question this about themselves. Even when I’ve had the most dog shit of days, reacted at every single thing the boys have done. I still speak to myself out loud, saying it’s ok! Its ok, to lose my temper, it’s ok to shout at them. It’s not ideal 😩BUT it’s life. And sometimes life is a bit shit. As much as I’d love to let Maximus, Bear & eventually Winston do whatever they want, that’s not real life.

First off, they’re happy. So that’s a win straight off. They’re clean, most of the time. I feed them. I spend time with them, I take them out. They live their best lives!!! So, for me, I’m doing a good job.

You see posts, about a family having the best holiday! And you get jealous! You start hating your husband/partner/baby daddy for something they haven’t done πŸ˜‚ You think that you’re the shittest family, all because of someone’s holiday photos. A photo of dad building sandcastles with the kids, a photo of them out for dinner in their best clothes, drinking cocktails, the kids are using cutlery, they’re not eating chicken nuggets/sausages and chips!! BUT let’s get real, first of all, I know that I take untold photos of the baby daddy and the kids! Mainly because it’s a miracle that he’s doing something 😎 But really for memories! So when they get older, these photos exist. So I’m sure these other baby daddies aren’t building sandcastles for hours on end! We all go out for dinner, we all get dressed up for holiday dinners, everyone has ‘the cocktail’ photo. We’ve all ordered the most over the top looking cocktail, which tastes like shit, so don’t drink. Then get the hump about paying the Β£15 for it! It’s the Instagram life we lead now 😬And their kids aren’t eating the dinner and they still get their ice cream πŸ˜‚ despite all the shit we tell them ‘well if you don’t eat it, you won’t get ice cream! Bear will, but you wont’ πŸ™„

You see some new mum, looking all size 8, no tummy and hate yourself. And listen, I post photos of myself looking all fly for a white guy πŸ’ƒπŸ» BUT it’s all an optical illusion! And I feel like I’m straight up with people! First of all, any photo I’m putting up, IS MY BEST PHOTO out of 100 I’ve taken! I have make up on, I’ve worn something other than tracksuit bottoms and a baggy top! And as always! I’ve been able to hide 3 pregnancies on instagram! With Maximus I was still taking selfies right up until I had him! Now I know a few people guessed but know one ever said It to me. And again with Bear & Winston! So if this doesn’t tell you how misleading a photo is, I don’t know what will!!!!! I would never want to put ANYTHING up and make someone feel like shite because of it! So that’s why I’m honest about everything.

Also, one of my pet hates at the moment, are BUMP photos. I feel as though it’s the fashionable thing to have a tiny bump! So all these people putting up their 6month bump photo, with NO FUCKING bump. Alright mate! Now I know there’s always exceptions, some people will have tiny bumps! BUT let’s be real, most people will have a bump! You have a baby growing inside of you. I swear they’re putting up photos from earlier in their pregnancy, 😊My point being, when you’re looking at these posts! Be realistic, don’t just take it for what you see! Because that means nothing on instagram! When I looked in the mirror this morning, I was like WOAHHHH. My skin is shit, because I’ve eaten nothing but 6 crunchies every day for over a week and drunk all the Coca Cola I can! My eyebrows are OUT OF THIS WORLD! My hair is just shoved on top of my head. And then I see some well turned out mum on there and could feel like shit because of it. But then I had a word with myself, my eyebrows are out of this world because I can’t get a fucking appointment at the same time, that someone can watch my children! My hairs shit because I decided to be a martyr and cut it all off for charity πŸ™„

The only ‘high maintenance’ thing about me, is my nails. And that’s only because my sister in law does them for me. So it doesn’t matter that all the kids are there, opening her nail box 😱 pulling apart all her colour wheel 😬 Or that I have Maximus jumping all over me, so jogging my hand, so that she has to redo the nail 😩

And whilst I hammer on about being realistic when you’re looking at peoples shit. I wish, these people would be more HONEST. That they’d tell you about the dog shit, instead of making out their mum of the year 😱 Be upfront that they have untold support or help, so it’s easy for them to flounce off and get their nails or hair done. Which in turn has given them time away from the cherubs 😎 So they then feel a little less stressed! So they will have more patience in dealing with the kids!!

That why Luisa Zuissman is my absolute fave mum on instagram, she keeps it totally real! She’s not making out, she has all 3 kids tied to her whilst she’s trying to decorate a summer house! Or make out that she’s had the best holiday with her kids, that she kept them entertained for the whole holiday by herself! No, she is upfront about having her mum to help, that she has a nanny! It makes you feel better! So you don’t feel like, she knows something you don’t know, about getting more hours out of the day! So bravo her. it’s all relative as well, everyone has shit, regardless of their circumstances! So it’s not saying anyone has anything easier than anyone else. Because we all have problems to deal with.

But let’s be responsible for our own mental health! And not allow ourselves to feel ‘low’ about snippet of someone’s best bit! And In turn, be kind to others! Love thy neighbour and all that jazz. Be upfront every now and then.

Peace out

Alabama Lola 🍭

Sleepover club

When I was younger, I wasn’t really allowed to stay round friends houses. Which seemed like child abuse as a child! My dad was really strict, my mum not so much, I could of stayed out every night of the week πŸ˜‚ But then in her defence, she was dealing with 5 kids on a daily basis, so prob wanted rid of some, every now and then. Whereas my dad was just living his best life errryday. We could have people to stay at ours & usually every weekend, I’d have 2 friends, then my 2 brothers would have 2 friends each as well. So it was pure carnage.

But if my dad wasn’t home, I would usually stay round my BFFs Julie’s house. To me, it was the best house ever! I’d turn up, take a bottle of fizzy pop off the front step (remember when the milk man brought all the goodies) then I’d head straight for the sweetie cupboard and pick whatever I wanted. Julie’s the youngest, so she was allowed to do whatever she wanted, so that was a bit of me. The shit hit the fan with my dad though, when he caught me staying rounding there, 2 or 3 nights on the bounce 😱 I swear he must of just spied on me, to see if I stayed out πŸ™„ He’s done that to me on a couple of occasions, to see I lie πŸ˜‚ And defo lied, so that was always fun.

If I ever asked my dad ‘whyyyyyyyyyyy can’t I stay out’ he would just say because you don’t know peoples dads πŸ™„ And when I was a kid, I never really understood what he meant. BUT now I’m older and birthed my own offspring, I totally get it.

I have a 13yr old sister and she was moaning to me a few weeks ago, that my dad wouldn’t let her stay round her friends! And that he wouldn’t let her pal stay at her house either. The difference being for her, compared to me as a child. She only lives with my dad, (we have different mums) but I tried explaining his reasons, so she wouldn’t feel so mad dog at him. First of all, in the past year 2 people have confided in me, that something happened to them as children! Which is so sad! And just makes you realise how common it actually is. And for it to happen just once, is too much and can totally alter someone’s path in life. So the thought of anything like that ever happening to my children puts the fear of god into me. And for some reason, not that it’s right, I feel a bit safer having boys! The thought of having a daughter and her staying out, seems that bit worse or that it dramatically increases the chances of something happening!

Then, I can understand from my dads point of view about having a child/teenager over to stay, without any other adult being there. Would you put yourself in that position … I know some people would think, that if you were ‘normal’ it wouldn’t be anything you’d even consider as being a problem. BUT again, a couple of years ago, I know of someone being falsely accused of something by a child. Yet you still think ‘there’s no smoke without fire’

Then from my own actual experience, I remember going to a birthday sleepover, we were still in primary school. So we were either 10 or 11. All plotted up in my friends lounge, there were about 5 of us. And I can remember her older brother and his mate, who were about 14/15 being in the front room as well. We were all watching a film and I can remember him telling me to take my knickers off! Mother fucker what! Now I give it all the biggen but i can honestly remember being petrified, I was lucky that my BFF Julie was there as well, so I told her and literally clung onto her! And listen, i can’t say it’s ‘affected’ me or anything like that and to be honest it’s something I only remembered a couple of years ago. But it makes me a bit angry when I think about it, manly because he was old enough to know that shit isn’t ok! Then angry at the parents because they shouldn’t of let him be chilling in the lounge with us! If that was at my house, my parents would of said ‘Nar mate, why the fuck do you want to hang around 10/11yr olds’ and told them to get the fuck out! Nothing actually happened, so praise the lord but I should of gone home and told my parents but didn’t! So it proves to me, how easily this stuff must go on. And how it could be someone you wouldn’t even consider! When you’re thinking of someone abusing a child, you’d think of an adult I suppose but surely it would still considered abuse if it was another child?

Back in the day I was a carer, the oldies LOVED me! Mainly because I would bring them in fish n chips, Bon Bons or whatever their hearts desired. There was one lady that I’d have long deep chats with and she was telling me about the war, how she was evacuated to a family out in in Essex. And how she was ‘touched’ and made to do stuff with one of the sons from the family. She said, every night all the kids got into one bed and that’s when it would happen. So how sad to think, that she was sent away from her family to keep her safe! And that happened to her. She would of been better off staying at home and potentially being bombed!

So all of this stuff really plays on my mind, whenever I think of the babies getting older and wanting to stay out. I’m already like it now! My mother and father are not together anymore. My dad is remarried, my mother (who I’ve allowed back on the scene the last couple of weeks) apparently has a significant other and I say apparently because I don’t ask, mainly because I don’t give 2 shits. Then the baby daddy’s parents aren’t togevs either, his dad we don’t see and his mother is with someone, who I haven’t met. So there are 3 people on the scene that are nothing to do with my children, that could potentially be around them. And that shit scares me! Now I’m not saying any of them are paedophiles and I’m sure they’re not BUT that’s a chance I’m not taking. So I wouldn’t allow them to stay round one there houses if one of their life partners were there. Which I know seems extreme BUT I don’t know these people, so I really don’t see the need for them to be around the most important people in my world. I know my mum and mother in law think I’m just saying it to be difficult or mean BUT like I’ve explained to them a million times! I have no desire to be Bessie mates with any new partner of there’s. I just don’t see the point when they’ve not been together that long. To me a year isn’t a long time. And obviously I haven’t met these people, one day I will and I’d never be rude BUT I won’t be spending any significant time with them either. It’s their life choice, not mine! And as I’ve said, it’s not a secret to anyone. They’ve all been told how I feel about it, on more than one occasion. SO it really does my brain in, when they try and impose that shit on me! An example being the other day, my mother was coming to take Maximus and Bear out for a couple of hours and she was on the phone letting me know the coo. And she was talking saying ‘we’re leaving’ ‘we will’ and I was like who the fuck is ‘we’! Who do you think your coming with?! Because I’m not meeting anyone and the babies are defo not going out with anyone I don’t know! And she said her boyf and she didn’t think it would be a problem. So I had to ask her if she knew me at all! And why even give me the hump asking. I’ve also been put out when asked by the MIL if her boyf could come to one of the kids birthday parties or christenings. And my dad was shocked when his wife wasn’t invited to Maximus’ christening but in his defence, he now gets the coo and hasn’t asked or expected since. So when it comes to staying round nans and grandads, Maximus, Bear and Winston are fucked πŸ˜‚ Well at least until I know they could speak properly. And even then it still worries me, coz like I said about my ‘experience’ I never told my parents! So even then you couldn’t be sure! And to be honest, if it happened once, it’s already too late! And it’s not a chance I’m willing to take!

I know it makes me sound neurotic as fuck but it’s something that really plays on my mind! And I really don’t see the need for them to stay out. I’d prefer for them to stay at home, so nans are more than welcome here πŸ’ƒπŸ» Maybe it would be different if they spent a lot of time with their grandparents, so we’re part of their every day lives but they’re not. They only seem them for a few hours once a week, so to me, they shouldn’t want any distractions from the kids. So really I’m giving them gift by being so extra πŸ˜¬πŸ˜‚

So if we could all make an agreement as parents, to not let our kids stay out! It will make my life a lot easier in a few years to come when Maximus asks to stay out for the first time😭

And all the apologies for such a deep and dark subject, it won’t happen again. Peace out

AlabamaLola πŸ₯Š

That pregnancy glow

Praise the lord I’m not pregnant anymore! I am not one of those people who enjoys being pregnant. There’s fuck all glow about me. I’m sick, when I’m not actually being sick, i just feel sick! In the early weeks I’m constipated like a mother fucker, resulting in me shoving laxatives up my bum πŸ’ƒπŸ» My hips and back KILL ME, I literally can’t get up when I sit or lay down! So when I was going to have my eyebrows threaded & tinted this time around, it seriously took me about 5 WHOLE minutes to straighten up! The girl who does them is all young & beautiful & must think ‘FUCK THAT SHIT’. I also go through a few weeks of being a miserable mofo in the early weeks, I think it’s the sickness! I turn into a really negative person about everything which is really unlike me! I wee A LOT anyway without being with child BUT when I’m pregnant, I spend about 21hours of the day on the toilet! And that’s just the ‘normal’ shit to be expected.

So factor in having 2 kids, a 1 and 2 year old😩 They require a lot of parenting, so when you feel like shit & they’re shitting like there is no tomorrow, one after the other! Or still having to go out & leave the house when you look & feel like death! Even the task of putting Bear down to sleep in the cot was a struggle when my bump started to get big. He doesn’t have a cot with a side that goes down, so I have to lift him over the side & put him down! Well try doing that when your bump is HUGE & takes me at least 10/15cm away from the side of the cot! I literally ended up putting him over the side & then had to drop him πŸ˜‚ These are the things you have to consider when birthing children so close together!

The tiredness, which hits you during different trimesters! I could be flying high for a few weeks & then POW you feel like you can’t move! Everything becomes an effort, you just want to lay on the sofa and not move. That’s why your first pregnancy is soooo amazing. Even though I had next level morning sickness with Maximus, it was just me. I didn’t have anyone to look after, so if I was tired, I could laze about or have an afternoon nap. When you’ve got other children, you don’t have that luxury! And it’s during those EXHAUSTION peaks that I would really hate my mother. All you want is an afternoon or even an hour to yourself & that’s where mums come in! But in fairness to my younger sister & her significant other, they did come over on a Sunday & walk Maximus & Bear round the park.

DRIBBLING, for some reason when I’m pregnant, I dribble & SOAK my pillow of a night 😎 So I would wake up in the night, laying in saliva πŸ€— And this time around with Winston, I had a few weeks where I had to spit allllllll day. It was like there was too much saliva in my mouth and I just couldn’t swallow it. So I would have to go around with a cup & spit in it. WTF πŸ™„

Also who knew that your boobs could start leaking BEFORE you even have the baby! Huh, I’ve had it with all 3 now. Although it started a lot later with Winston. But I’m pretty sure by about 30weeks my boobs started leaking with both Maximus & Bear! It happened more of a night, so I was literally expelling fluid from every part of my body πŸ’ƒπŸ»

Two of my favourite memories whilst being pregnant this time around, are;

Being sick in the downstairs toilet, it’s a small space! So I’m bent over, with my legs crossed 😎 Because otherwise I would of wee’d myself whilst being being sick as well! Maximus is rammed up against the wall, continuously pressing the flusher whilst I spew my guts up. And Bear is underneath me, looking over the toilet bowl, whilst I’m trying to pull him away by the neck of his t shirt πŸ’ƒπŸ» And sick is going on his head!

And my other all time favourite memory, being about 33 weeks pregnant. It’s HURTING to walk, my back feels like it could snap. The baby feels like it could fall out of my vagina. I’m pushing a buggy, whilst holding the dog lead, Maximus is on his bike. And it’s pissing down with rain 😭 I can honestly remember thinking at that point, NEVER AGAIN.

The negative & losing the will to live, is the biggest thing that cracks me though. I have to actually talk to myself, to get in the shower or bath 😱 Which obvs isn’t normal for me! My usual routine is to get straight in the shower as soon as I get up, if I’m not clean, I don’t feel like I can function during the day! I can tell you brushing my teeth, is something that doesn’t become a daily occurrence πŸ’ƒπŸ» Id brush them & then end up being sick in the sink. So some mornings gave that a knock on the head! Makeup & even looking any way presentable goes out the window! So it’s like a vicious cycle, I feel like shit, look like shit, I don’t get in the shower, so I feel even more like shit. And they pregnancy is a beautiful thing πŸ˜‚Oh and then constantly thinking your bleeding! So you could be going about your day & feel a bit ‘wet’ down below & convince yourself, you’re bleeding, so having a miscarriage! Which if you’ve had a miscarriage {which I have} sends you into overdrive. So I’ll admit now, I’ve shoved my hand down there to see if I comes out with blood on πŸ€— Dr Google … if you searched my internet history it would read … 16 weeks pregnant and can’t wee, 30 weeks pregnant and can’t sleep, 31 week pregnant and legs hurt, 31 week pregnant and back hurts. 32 weeks pregnant, is it safe to take paracetamol, 33 weeks pregnant, can I kill baby by sleeping on my back! 34 weeks pregnant, how much should baby move. 36 weeks pregnant, will having sex DEFINITELY bring on labour. Literally you google every single thing! And then read mumsnet, which for ages I couldn’t even understand half of it with their ‘DH’ & ‘DD’ lark, so I ending having to google what shit means in the end as well! And then being like a dog on heat πŸ’ƒπŸ»πŸ˜Ž The poor baby daddy because he could be riding the gravy train all week … literally. Then out of nowhere just looking at him would make me heave πŸ˜‚ And just topping it off whilst Maximus & Bear decided to get chicken pox, going on holiday at 33 weeks pregnant. Which is NOT relaxing at all, I came back feeling shattered. It took me over a week to recover from it! And that’s not me exaggerating, I truly felt drained from it. And the highlight being my bladder deciding to stop working & needing a catheter for 10days, just before Christmas!And all of this whilst your life partner doesn’t understand any of it. And in my case doesn’t even try. I can remember bursting into tears by the sink at about 35 weeks pregnant. I don’t even know what over now. But he just looked at me like I was crank! And I just started screaming that I was last knockings pregnant, I have 2 kids that try to ruin my life, I’m tired, I can’t sleep all night because pregnancy insomnia is real! So FUCK OFFFFFFFF. I think he then may of gone In the garden with them for 10minutes after πŸ™„Despite all of this though, it does blow my mind how amazing the FEMALE body is. That we can grow a baby inside of us. And even though I don’t like how I feel for 40 weeks, I know it’s an amazing blessing and all worth it for what comes out of you at the end! So all hail the woman Party People πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ» All things bright & beautiful.Alabama Lola πŸ’‹

It takes a village

When you have a baby, life will change and even if you’re the most independent person, you’ll realise that a good support network makes it a lot easier/better. I think you get to enjoy it a lot more, if you have help! I LOVE Maximus and Bear all the world but I’m with them 24/7 and sometimes they make me contemplate my life πŸ˜‚ I can see why people go to work part time, it would be like a break! My BFF Mac actually said the the other day, she wished she could go to work for the day. For a rest! And I get that shit. Most of my friends have amazing mums that couldn’t do more if they tried, Mother in laws on hand, one has a sister that loves children more than most parents love their own, another has a nanny, or they have capable baby daddies! Don’t get it twisted, i could leave my offspring with the baby daddy for a couple of hours, if I’ve got one to sleep before I left 😩 But I’d still be unable to relax whilst I was out. Showing that it does take a village to raise a child.

One of my baby Mumma friends text the other day, saying she was having a shit time and that neither her mum or Mother in law had text/reached out to see if she needed any help with the kids. Even though it was obvious to anyone with eyes, that maybe she could do with some respite. Not that to look at her, you would think ‘fuck me shes struggling’ BUT she has the whole 2 under 2 thing going on, which is just her normal every day life. But then on top of that daily slog, her household had a sickness bug, plus her eldest baby also managed to break his foot, then all of this with no sleep, is going to break the CEO of mum bosses! Now none of this shit was on the down low, so it’s not as though her mum or MIL have the excuse of not being in the loop, so didn’t know to reach out.

And it got me thinking, that being a mum can sometimes be soooooo dog shit. Even if you have the most supportive of networks but how much harder it is, when you don’t have people to fall back on.

For moi, my support network comes in the form of my BFFs, they keep my sanity in check. My respite is when we all descend upon one house for some kind of mob dinner. And the parenting is shared πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ It really does take the dairy off! And I love that all our offspring grow up together. That we celebrate everything we can, with all of us, to make their memories special. One of my favourite times to date, was when our eldest crew member Finn, started secondary school. And we all descended upon Petes house for breakfast, before he set off for the bus stop. So me and Mac (9months pregnant) were there before 7, with kids in tow. Whilst I rustled up pancakes, music on, memories being made. It really made me realise how lucky I am, to have the ‘village’ I do! And cementing the fact in my head, that you reap what you sow! If you want to be part of those important moments, then you make sure you are.

To be honest, before I had children I thought it would be a lot different to how it actually is. Firstly I thought my mum would be on the scene but she’s a full time crank, so that hasn’t been the case. When I first had Maximus, I felt like I needed to include her, to make her feel part of it. But that mainly meant biting my tongue, which eventually means you’re going to blow. So that was soon knocked on the head. When I was younger I spent any time I could at my nans house, every weekend until I started secondary school and wanted to play out, I would be at my nans house. We would go round after school, even when we moved from Tottenham to Loughton, she still lived in the deepest darkest πŸ˜‚ If my mum went out, all 5 of us would be dropped to my nans for the night. My mum has told me, she would go round there all day and sometimes stay, when she had me and my younger siblings and that she had never once said no, if asked to ‘babysit’ us. And my nan worked full time, up until I was about 7. So she knows she was very lucky to have that support. And that’s now something I really envy. I know lives are different now, so grandparents don’t just sit in every night, there out on the razz, enjoying their lives. Which listen, bravo them! Life is for living. But fuck me, everyone harps on about how being a grandparent is so much better than being a parent. But I don’t know how half of them know, as they do fuck all with their grandchildren. Or the actual bare minimum yet manage to get a photo up on Facebook! To make sure everyone sees them being grandmother of the year, for 4hours out of 1 month. I don’t even include grandads in this, as poor old Maximus and Bear have a crack head for one. And then my dad as their other 😱 And I never wanted to be left with my dad, so I defo wouldn’t inflict such cruelty on my offspring. They’d end up having to watch some shit western film all day and ask for one biscuit 😭

I think ideally you need the support of your mum when you have children, especially your first. Whether it be to come stay in those first few days, or come round daily and put a load of washing on, make you dinner, or to show you the motherhood ropes! When I had Maximus, without sounding wankey … I can’t say I felt overwhelmed by becoming a first time mum. But I think that’s mainly because circumstances meant I was independent and responsible from a young age, so it wasn’t something that frightened me. The only time I can say I appreciated my mum, was when I first had Bear, she would come round and take Maximus out for a walk or round to the park. So at least he didn’t get cabin fever. But other than that, I can’t say she was of any particular help.

It’s another reason I can see the good in social media, for people who don’t have a support network, it gives you a lifeline. There’s so many different types of parents to follow on Instagram, so you will defo be able to relate to someone on there. That’s why I think it’s so dangerous when people try to make out their kids shit don’t stink! Or on Facebook, you have untold ‘mums groups’ I’m a member of a couple local to where I live, ‘loughton mums and dads’ being my fave πŸ’ƒπŸ» I can see how mums find support in strangers. People ask questions on there about anything and everything, whether it be about recommendations for a private ENT doctor, for a diagnosis of their child’s rash 😎 Or to ask when the new Aldi is going to open 1000 times a week 😱 But a support network it is! If you didn’t have a babysitter/nanny and needed to find someone you trusted, it really would be my first port of call. I know that sounds mental or no different to that bubble babysitting app (that blows my mind 😬 ) but it’s recommendations from other mums, in a ‘community’ that you’re part of, so you trust them. And listen, when you have to start booking in a night out 3months in advance, needs must πŸ’ƒπŸ»

So walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge & all that jazz. Mum life is hard Party People, obviously you have all the amazing moments in there as well! Like when they’re … sleeping 🀣 On a serious note and without putting people off breeding, it is amazing to watch someone you CREATED, you GREW become a person. But make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open!

Peace out. Love thy neighbour.

Alabama Lola ❣️

Mums the Guv’nor

We all have ambitions, goals, hopes and dreams. Whatever we call them. I can’t say I was ever a particularly career driven person, mainly because I’ve never known what I wanted to do in that sitch. So I’ve had more jobs than I can even remember. My worst being an estate agent, everything they say about estate agents … is true.

But I always new I wanted to be a mum. And I think you always have ideas of what type of mum you want to be. And other than Maximus and Bear loving me like there’s no tomorrow! My main aspiration has always been to be the ‘guv’nor‘ in their eyes πŸ’ƒπŸ» What mum says go, kinda thang.

Growing up, my dad was always the top dog of the home. When he was there, anyway. But that made it even more annoying, for me! That my mum would just let him have the guv’nor role, even though he did his own thing most of the time. So when he was home (rarely πŸŽ‰) he would lay down the law. Growing up he was really strict, over such stupid things most of the time as well. Now I can see that it was his controlling personality, which I know I’ve inherited 😱 So I have to reign that in on a daily basis.

And now I’m an adult, in a loving committed relationship … πŸ˜‚ an owner of 2 children. I can see how your parents relationship, affects your own relationship. So without sounding like I need some kind of counselling sessions πŸ˜‚ I feel sorry for the baby daddy sometimes because sometimes I want to end his life, just because he’s tried to make a decision or dares to moan about anything. Occasionally at the crack of dawn on a weekend morning, he might shout down for me to turn my music off, stop singing or moan that I’m hoovering at 7am. But it sends me over the edge, even though in a normal house, this shit would be classed as inconsiderate. It makes me go into full bat shit crazy mode, screaming at him that I can do what I want πŸ’ƒπŸ» And that he don’t run this house ☺️ When really he’s allowed to moan and don’t deserve my cray. BUT it’s because it reminds me of my dad and I feel some injustice towards my mum or women, so feel the need to go so far the other way.

Don’t get me wrong, I get on with my dad. He’s still mental and drives me round the bend. But now he doesn’t put the fear of God into moi. And I can see that he was just a product of his childhood as well. So I can see (sometimes) why he was so extra.

My mother would have ‘housekeep’ money of my dad, when we were younger. And now I don’t ‘work’ and look after Maximus and Bear, the baby daddy has to pay my way. Which I have no problemo with, i don’t feel guilty in not making money contribution to the house. Or bad for buying myself anything with ‘his’ money. And he’s never made me feel like that, ever. Which in this day and age, shouldn’t be something to be celebrated. But I know quite a few women, that would have to work themselves up to ask for more dollar and explain what it’s for! So it still does happen. At the end of the day, I’ve done my time of paying half for all the house shit, Obvs we’ve been together for a long time, so we had that time of equality. But even without that, I grew and birthed his children. I look after them pretty much on my lonesome, which he would hold his hands up to! I tidy and clean up after us all. Occasionally cook a dinner πŸ’πŸ»β€β™€οΈ So he can swivel if he thinks I’m living off a set amount of money a week! Obvs I’m not spending way beyond our means because that’s just stupid (she says whilst still chilling in her overdraft). And every now and then the baby daddy, will plead poverty and make me feel like we’re going to lose the house … etc. So for an afternoon I might worry and then I’ll come back from Aldi πŸ€— And he’ll cry that he’s not eating that shit. And then he’ll say, he sometimes has to reign me in coz I can’t eat in Marks’ cafe 5 times a week πŸ˜‚ So normality will resume. Eventually I shall work again, so it’s not as though I’ve retired. But I couldn’t live with someone who thought they could control the purse strings!

When I was younger I was always scared of ‘dads’ and if my friend asked me round, I would always find out what time their dad got home, then I’d tell my mum to pick me before that time! I always felt like dads changed the atmosphere of a home. That when the dad came home, the mood changed. And it’s always bothered me. The same in my house, if my dad was home, we wasn’t as loud, we wouldn’t come in from playing out as late. The usual stuff. So it’s something I could never put up with. The baby daddy wouldn’t ever make anyone feel unwelcome, or if he had the hump he knows he best leave or stay out of the way. Again, now as an adult I’ve been round peoples houses, where the husbands mood dictates the house. And it drives me insane! If the baby daddy dared to have the hump In front of my family or friends/guests I would tell him about himself, there and then. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling being round someone’s house, when someone has the hump. And I would never dream of letting my mood show either.

So if he ever tried to be strict when the kids had friends over, or moan about the noise/mess, his life really won’t be worth living. My friends Mac and Julie were petrified of my dad growing up because he was like that. He’d moan if you came in and dropped your coats and just run up the stairs! And I know In every day life this isn’t ok BUT fuck me, can we have a day off every now and then! It’s not like he was picking them up. The knob. And I can always remember my mum trying to intercept such situations, so we wouldn’t have to listen to the moaning. And I refuse to live like I have to preempt everything that is going to happen. Just so the man of the house doesn’t get the hump.

A few weeks ago my 13yr old sister and her friend stayed over. And it came to the evening and we were downloading a horror film, with a certificate 15. So I made my sisters friend ring her mum to make sure she could watch it. As I’m now a responsible human being and know that shit is expected. And what happened next blew mine and my other sisters tiny minds! She rang home and her mum answered and she asked for her dad! He was in the bath .. so her mum said she’d get him to call back. BUT didn’t even ask what she wanted! I was like, why didn’t you ask your mum? And she said something along the lines of her dad being the decision maker! Again, the most mind blowing thing of it all was that her mum, didn’t even enquire what she wanted.

If Maximus and Bear ever ring me and ask for the baby daddy, I’ll be asking ‘why’! And then if they were to say, oh to ask if we can watch a film. Then I’ve seriously failed at being the parent I want to be! I never want them thinking that Dad is the rule maker. I know some people will be reading this and thinking, it should be a joint thing. Well I’m sorry, not in this abode, what I say goes πŸ’ƒπŸ» They better always think of mum as the GUV’NOR.

Love thy neighbour. Keep calm and carry on. Life is good. Don’t moan it’s contagious!

AlabamaLola πŸ’ͺ🏻