Most prob one of the most taboo subjects you can speak about. BUT hey ho.
First of all, I’ll start by saying, it’s nothing I’m ashamed or embarrassed about.
So, nearly 10 years ago, I got myself pregnant! Totally unplanned and by accident. I was 22, with the baby daddy (Who wasn’t the baby daddy then) and on the pill. And I can remember driving through Tottenham, on my way home from work. It then come into my brain, that I hadn’t come on! And couldn’t remember if I even had, on my last pill break. I’m literally the worst person at noticing or remembering anything, if you asked any of my BFFs, they would confirm this. So it’s not complete fuckery, that I wouldn’t notice such a thing😬 Then I mentioned to my sister In law, that the smell of everything was making me heave! And she said, ‘you’re not pregnant are you?!’ I then started to shit myself. I made her go to the shops and buy my a pregnancy test, I was too embarrassed to buy one. Telling you how mature I was 😎 So I did the test, waited and POW, PREGNANT. I was just looking at it and laughing. My sister in law didn’t know what to say, other than ‘are you ok’ and I just couldn’t not laugh. You know when you laugh at a really inappropriate time but can’t help it.
When the baby daddy came home, I told him and he didn’t really know what to say, mainly because I was taking the pill. But, he was all hands on deck for having a baby 😱 He’s only a couple of years older than me but he’s one of those old heads, on young shoulders type of people. I didn’t really know exactly how far I was gone but knew it must of been at least 8ish weeks. So, after telling him, it kind of seemed as though we were having a baby … Not that we had really properly discussed it or come to some kind of decision. Classic us. So happy we’ve changed now … NOT.
A few days passed, I couldn’t sleep at night, which is totally unlike me. We were really couple goals then, as well! This was our heyday, when I locked him out on the balcony, then kept flicking the kettle, to reboil it over & over again, threatening him with it, if he tried to get back in. Which then resulted in him smashing the glass 😮 It was right around the time of the old fave story, when he took all my clothes and shoes to the charity shop 😎 So we had the most loving home to give. But, then one night I was laying in bed and I realised I was having a baby, only because I didn’t know, how NOT to have a baby! I can only explain it as dawning on me, that I didn’t have to stay pregnant. This is what I meant in terms of not, even thinking/talking about all our options.
So once I got to work early doors in the morning, I rang one of my BFFs and said, you have to find out what I have to do, ring the people for me, sort me out an appointment. Because i didn’t have a clue.
So she rang the family planning clinic for me, told them the coo. And made me an appointment with the doctor. So off I went to Harlow family planning clinic, on my lonesome. You have to have a consultation/Chat with the doctor about your circumstances, reasons and all that jazz. Basically to make sure, you won’t go bat shit crazy, after doing it. So I told her how I felt way too young, how me and the baby daddy were not ready. And how, I knew it was the right decision. FOR ME. So she made me an appointment at Marie stopes for the next week.
Obviously I had spoke about it over and over again to my BFFs. And I know I’m not someone that dwells on shit. I’m not one sensitive about stuff. I’m quite practical about shit, so I knew I was making the best decision. And whether it’s wrong or right, I knew that if I felt some kind of way after, if I really wanted too, I could get pregnant again.
Now in all of this time, so from deciding I didn’t want to have a baby, going to an appointment with the Doctor, right up until the morning off the termination. I had not told the baby daddy, my ‘new’ decision 😱 And it’s most prob my only regret so far in life. Because he literally didn’t have a clue.
So on the morning off the termination, my BFF picked me up, en route to the clinic, the baby daddy rang me to ask what I was doing and I said, going to have an abortion. And obvs the shit hit the fan. He went fucking crazy, started calling me alllllll the names under the sun. And then the pièce de résistance was ‘you’re a murderer’. Woah. By time I listened to all that, I was outside the clinic, so literally put the phone down on him. I then went in, on my lonesome. I didn’t want anyone with me, plus they can’t come any further than the waiting room anyway, so I didn’t see the point.
So I walked in, first of all, I was the only person on my own, so I felt a bit like hoe 😮 They gave me a test kit for chlamydia, so I had to do that straight away. Obvs I got the all clear 💃🏻 mainly because my mum put the fear of god into me as a teenager about sleeping about 🤗 Knob Mum. Sow your oats gal dem 👅
Then I got called into a little room with a nurse for a scan, the scan monitor is facing away from you. But she asks if you want to see it, I didn’t. Because I dated about 12 weeks, I couldn’t have the tablet. Which basically brings on a miscarriage. I had to have what they call a surgical abortion. Which sounds horrific but I can’t say it was, I chose to have a conscience sedation, so you’re awake but out of it really. So I can remember bits, but I mainly remember thinking, this is what it must be like to do drugs. I also had the coil fitted straight away as well, which they gave me the choice about. Then the weirdest/surreal part of it all, was then being put into the ‘recovery/waiting room’ where I had to wait until, I had eaten a biscuit and drunk something, been to the toilet & all that jazz. But the room was like something out of a sci-fi film, so loads of chaise type chairs, sitting opposite other women, that have obvs had the same thing done. That was the only bit that freaked me out a bit. But I was then home within a few hours. I had a period pain type belly ache for a day but that was it.
The baby daddy was still mad dog and obviously upset. Not that he said that. Still for years he would bring it up during an argument, calling me a murderer. BUT I do understand why he was so mad dog. And I never took what he said any differently to calling me the C word 😱 I knew that I’d made the best decision, so he couldn’t make me feel any differently about it. I don’t know if that made him even more mad dog! But at the end of the day, you’ve got to look after number 1 Party People. ESPECIALLY if you’re only 22 & only been with someone for over a year! When it’s concerning the rest of your whole life!
And that’s why I truly feel no regret about it. The baby daddy knows it’s was the right choice now! I can guarantee we would not of stayed together for that long! I know I could of quite easily had a baby, I know I would of coped, I’m sure it would of been ok BUT that’s not what I wanted! Selfish or not, I wouldn’t of been on all the girls holidays I have, I wouldn’t of been to Vegas twice, i wouldn’t have gone out every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night every week! I defo wouldn’t have Maximus, Bear and Winston now. It would of taken some of MY best and favourite years.
Obviously this is how I felt, everyone’s different. Some people want kids young, I didn’t. My mum had 5kids before she was 28, that was what her generation did. I knew that wasn’t for me. I don’t judge or care what others want to do, each to their own is my life mantra!
I can’t say I ever give it much thought, Ireland getting abortion finally passed recently, got me thinking about it. And how lucky I was, to be able to make my own choice and be able to do it! It’s my body! So only i can make that decision, even if it concerns someone else (the baby daddy) ultimately it’s all on me! His life wouldn’t have to change, similar to now really 🙄
I wanted to ‘talk’ about it because I think as long, as you’re not using it as a form of contraception. It’s a choice that you have! And mainly to say, if you’re on the pill, MAKE SURE YOU TAKE IT PROPERLY! I was one of those people, that took it whenever I remembered, so one day, I’d take it in the morn, then the next I’d take it at 10pm! Some days I wouldn’t remember, so would swallow 3 in one go😮 And that’s how I ended up pregnant, it’s not 100% affective when taken correctly. So fuck knows what I lowered the affective’ness too, taking it like I was.
Peace out homies. Do you boo. Have safe sex. Love thy neighbour.
Alabama Lola ✌🏻