Baby daddy diaries: Part 1.

I know you’re all aware by now, that the baby daddy and I ARE what all couples should aspire to be like …

Well this morning, that fact was cemented into my brain yet again. I had to tell him about himself before 7am, whilst I was sorting out the dirty washing into coloured piles. He’s not usually within sight when I’m sorting the washing, so this particular thing has been winding me up for a while now. What you may ask … and I shall tell ya. BOXERS INSIDE TROUSERS. You know where, you actually have to pull the boxers along the legs of the trousers 😡 ITS THE ULTIMARE DISRESPECT. At what point, do I want to start getting all intimate with some dirty underpants! So off I go on one, before the sun has come up. Telling him, ‘you better sort your life out’ blah blah blah and how rude he is 💃🏻 And he just replied ‘oh grow up Lol’ 😱 It’s usually his response that dictates what way shit is gonna go down. Meaning, if he gives it billy big balls then I am ready to pounce. If his tone of voice is a bit too gruffalo, I can’t hold back. But if he’s quite chilled, then I can usually let it slide. Not always. Sometimes im full on crank. To be honest, he does take quite a lot before he really reacts. So credit where credit is due.

When we argue, we argue BIG. Which, listen in an ideal world, is dog shit. But seeing as we live in a real world, I don’t really dwell too much on it. We’ve calmed down a bit since having some offspring. Long gone are the days of me, locking him out the garden, whilst repeatedly flicking the kettle in front of him 😱 While he tried to smash the door in. These things are not big or clever. I can’t even remember what started the argument, it could have been over anything.

The main things we would argue over now are;

• Him telling Maximus & Bear off, mainly Maximus off, as Bear gets away with everything. He’ll start to tell him off, then I ‘pipe up’, he then tells me, they’re his kids too 🙄 And I shouldn’t get involved and it’s ok when I do it, then WW789 starts. I don’t know why I can’t just stay out of it … Well I do, my two main reasons are; 1- I’m with them all day, every day, so I’m allowed to go bat shit crazy when Maximus restarts the washing machine. I try and explain to him, that each day I start with a tank of patience, then as the day goes on and they both ruin my life, this patience slowly depletes. So by 6pm I want to shove their dinner in their gobs when they’re playing silly bugger games. The baby daddy however, is not with them all day. So any shit should just beeeze over him. As far as I’m concenered, he’s not allowed to react as quickly as I would!

Then secondly, whether it’s right or wrong, he’s a man! And when a man tells a kid off, it sounds soooo much worse. If my dad ever told me off, I would shit a brick! Sometimes, I try my hardest to bite my tongue and let him have his time to shine. But only if it’s the quickest of shining.

•Raisins/Hot cross buns/grapes. Yep, this is a regular hot topic 😂 He doesn’t like them anyway BUT it’s because we have a dog 🙄 Apaz they’re really poisonous to dogs, 1 could make them brown bread or they could eat 100 and then they’d keel over and die. He still tries to tell me sometimes, this is why our dog, Blue died 🙄 So whenever I toast a hot cross bun for breakfast, it’s like a military operation. Riggs has be to locked outside, incase Bear feeds him some or Maximus throws it off his plate 😂 If the kids have raisins or grapes as a snack, then I’m the worst person in the world ‘THEY DONT NEED TO EAT THEM’. I wouldn’t even mind, if I shouted at the dog not to eat something, he wouldn’t. But we can’t a take a chance in this house. So Easter is a very traumatic time in our abode 😂

• Out of date food, he won’t eat anything if it’s even a day out, he would most prob cry over it going off that day as well. Me, I’m down. He’s accepted this about me now, yet the babies he will try and tell me they can’t have it. So, that’s quite a regular argument.

• Clothes, if I dared to wash one of his tracksuit tops without the bottoms 😮 Oh that’s not going to go down well. They’ll be different colours 😱 Life wont be worth living for him. His clothes are too good for the tumble drier … Wash & iron his shit inside out. I’m basically Cinderella 😩

• The car, this is a very dangerous place for us! A lot of our biggest arguments have started in the car. I don’t know why but it’s a catalyst. First of all, I always drive. I think it’s the control aspect, so it’s never a question of whose driving. So if and when, he tries to tell me ‘you could of gone then’ ‘why don’t you go the back way, it’s quicker’. My back goes up straight away, there’s no simmering, I go full on cray. Telling him ‘I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE’ and how I’ve had a licence for longer than him. He also pisses me off, that he doesn’t put his seatbelt on straight away, so we have to listen to the alarm for a lifetime. Which he never hears, so always takes me screaming at him. We once had an argument en route to the 12 week scan, when I was pregnant with Maximus. Shit got real, I told him he wasn’t coming, so I turned around and made him get out. I then went to the scan and didn’t ring him for hours to let him know it was ok 💅🏼 Another time, we had an argument en route home from lakeside, over him turning my music over. Shit got real again, so he threw my new purchases out the window 🤦🏻‍♀️

I know to some people, this would seem outrageous. And they wouldn’t be wrong but in reality, even though I want to punch his face in! On a daily basis, he’s not too bad. And I am fully aware of what I can be like. I would never be one of those people that thinks, it’s all the other person. So, whatever floats your boat eh.

One of the quotes I live by is …

THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT

Peace out. Love thy neighbour. Don’t judge. And remember you reap what you sow.
Alabama Lola 💋

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12 thoughts on “Baby daddy diaries: Part 1.

  1. OMG pants stuck to trousers. That made me LOL! The child & get father are no better in my house. Brace yourself Lauren, you’re gonna be doing this ×3 in a few years…. and the kids’ under crackers are usually crusty…. but you don’t know that until you touch them 🤢
    💙x

  2. Brilliant, reminds me of my ex-Mrs and me. We used to fight like cat and dog all the time. That not putting your seatbelt on straight away had me giggling, I used to do that.

  3. Youre the best! Love reading youre stuff. Pure comedy. I was one of the ppl to say you should write a blog, im so happy you did. Pure entertainment!

  4. First, I love that you are doing this blog thing because I think you are hilarious and the honesty is brilliant. I’m glad you wrote something about the baby daddy because on Instagram you only seem to hate him. Same for this post, actually. So, since you asked for suggestions, how about a post on why you stay with him. Inquiring minds in the USA want to know. Seriously, it’s something I have wondered often as I’ve been an Instagram follower for a long time.

  5. I’m so happy that your instagram captions evolutioned to this. You’re a great example of women empowerment and Maximus & Bear af my fav insta-kids. Cheers from the other side of the world, Bogotá, Colombia.

  6. Omg i have just read this!! It is so much like me and my oh!! Hes got such a short fuse so sometimes i just for fun ignite it!! .. Anyways i usually see people ask why your together if its that bad & the song ‘true love’ from pink popped into my head, Mainly because me & my oh decided that was our song!! Which i could say seems fitting

  7. I’m so happy you’re doing this blog. Your Insta posts always have me in stitches. This blog is so relatable. I’ve been pulling my husband’s boxers from his pant legs for three kids and 35 years 🙄. You learn to pick your battles just like we must when raising our children. You’re a good egg. 😘

  8. Just brilliant.. we are all going through that shit but never want to admit it in the school playground in front of all the other mothers!!
    I am the true Cinderella too x

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