Friends these days.

Totes current affairs type shit. So I was reading the ol’ daily mail the other day. About the love island couple, that were the first to get wed from the show. Olivia & Alex. And how apaz, that Olivia had ‘dumped’ her mate, also from the show, Cara from being a bridesmaid. And upon first glance of the headline, I thought what a bitch that Olivia is! And how that Cara is well right to not attend the wedding now! Imagine being a bridesmaid & then then the bride being like, ‘Soz bebes, I don’t want you now’! You’d be fuming and defo not go to the shit wedding! But once I read more, I changed my mind.

So long story short. Olivia’s getting wed, Cara is bridesmaid. Cara has a baby. Olivia is obvs mucho excited about her wedding. Cara can’t attend all dress fittings & nights of talking wedding shit. Olivia & Cara decide that, maybe being a bridesmaid is a bit too much for Cara, as her baby is her priority. Papers then say, Olivia dropped Cara from being in the wedding party coz she’s a mum.

Now, the whole having a baby & then losing friends shit, really pisses me off. Now, I’ve had 3 babies & so far, I haven’t lost any friends. Mainly because I’m such a good friend to have, they’re all up my arse ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ But on a serous note. The reason is because I don’t have any crazy expectations of my childless, living the best life friends! Just because I’ve had a baby, doesn’t mean that everyone else’s life has to change! I HAD CHILDREN! Not them. I don’t expect my friends to find my children as funny, cute, or as amazing as I do! Do you know why! Because I can remember my life before children. It was such an amazing time & I wish I savoured it me.

But I can remember not wanting to spend time with children! Or thinking fucking hell that kids ugly! why does she think it’s so cute! Why does she keep putting on Facebook, about any child model agency recommendations! But now I’m one of those people. So I have to spend my time with my offspring. But I don’t have to inflict them on other people.

Friendships change so much over the years. There’s a time, when you can be in each others lives errryday. You do everything together. And then you become adults. And even if you don’t have children, adult’ing takes over. Working 40hr weeks, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’re not the top priority in each others lives no more. That’s just life. So to expect someone to make you a top priority allllll the time. Is stupid & just setting yourself up to be mad dog

I see people accusing their friends of being selfish because they think their pals haven’t made an effort. But I personally think that’s selfish. I think it’s selfish to put that guilt on your friends. Life is too short to wait, to see ‘if’ you’re going to get invited somewhere. Knowing that they’re probably not! And only because they’ve presumed, you can’t or won’t come! SO USE YOUR WORDS! And say, oh next time you go out, tell me! I want to go out! And if they carry on not, then find new friends ๐Ÿคฃ

But back to the wedding of the year. I haven’t got wed .. YET. Coz obvs I haven’t been asked. But WHEN I do, that day will be allllllllll about me. You have one day. So the run up to the wedding needs to be all about me as well. As does it for every bride. And if your friend can’t do that for you, then she’s a shit head!

Having a baby is amazing & when they’re your first it’s even more, consuming. But to use that as an excuse to not be all, over excited for your pal, is a bit shit.

Now obvs I don’t know the real coo with them. But if you agree to be a bridesmaid or part of the wedding party, then you have to be there for all the wedding hype! And you should be HYPING it up even more! Going along with everything they say or want. It’s her one day. And YOUR baby should not be impacting on her day. Why should they have to think ‘oh she can’t come to dress fitting because of the baby’. The bride should only be thinking about herself!

Obvs friendships work both ways & your life is equally important. And they should want to be part of your life & love your kid. But give these childless people a break Party People. Just be a good friend, like you were before kids!

So to conclude, I think it’s a bit wank that Olivia, has had to put so much consideration into her friend that’s had a baby, on the run up to HER DAY. Let’s all give each other all the ‘days’ they get! We don’t get many for fuck sake!

All things bright & beautiful, all creatures great and small.

Alabama Lola ๐Ÿ’

Winston, why you so white thooooooough

Out of 3 of my offsprings names, Winston gets the most unsure looks, or outright disbelief ๐Ÿ˜‚

When I’ve been asked his name, a few people have actually laughed at then said ‘no seriously what’s his name’ ๐Ÿ˜Ž I wrote a blog about this a while back about Bear’s name ‘a boy called sue’. And I still stand by, not getting outraged every time someone shows or tells me their dislike. I don’t think my children’s names are ‘out there’ but I don’t think they’re names you hear errrryday. I just laugh when someone has something to say, mainly because I can’t stand people that are so easily offended. And I never want to be considered one of those fucktards. But, also because we all judge & have things to say about everything. Whether we do it behind closed doors or not. So it’s roll with the punches kind of thing.

When I was pregnant with Winson, I enjoyed the name & it was the top contender. I also liked Wilbur but the baby daddy hated it. I loved Roux as well but I’m not middle class, or cool enough to pull that off. Plus the baby daddy pretty much spat out his dinner when I even suggested it. Could you actually imagine a man named Allan with a kid called Roux ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿคฃ So I gifted that name to Pete, who was pregnant with Casper. Because we all know the rules, you own any names that you say first!! So you must gift or give your blessing, to anyone you know, before they can have it!! Outside of your circle, is basically a free fall & you have no control. BUT I’m all for copying or using something you like, as long as you’re upfront about it! Know one likes an outright copy cat! Especially one that then pretends, it’s a family fucking name. No mate. Don’t kid a kidder.

One day we were walking the dog with Maximus & Bear over the field. Started speaking to a fellow dog walker, as you do. And she heard me call Maximus, so she commented on how much she liked his name, asked what Bears name was, said she liked that too. Was obvs lying ๐Ÿ˜Š And then asked me if I had any names for the next baby. And I said, I like Winston. And she basically had a stroke there and then. Whilst telling me ‘oh no I don’t like that, that’s a black persons name’ ohhhh kkkkkkk then.

Then when I had my 8.1 bouncing baby boy, we went for Winston. Baby daddy wasn’t still completely sold. But I’d make him aware this time around, that I gave 0 fucks. I carried him, birthed him, without HIM! And so it was my call. So Winston he was.

Then when the midwife came over the next day, she asked me his name and I told her. And she said ‘oh that’s an unusual name for a Caucasian baby’ ๐Ÿ˜‚

Now, if we’re all honest with each other and don’t pretend to live in the ideal world. I’m sure most people would admit that, they thought the name Winston, reminded them of an old black man. Or a bulldog, or In my case, a cat. My insta BFFs cat is called Winston also. So I totes get people’s surprise when this chubby white baby is before their very eyes.

I like, what I consider strong names for boys. I liked the name and I wasn’t not going to name him it, because people kept telling me they didn’t like it. Or thought it wouldn’t suit him. That’s why, you really are best off not telling people any ideas you have, when up the duff.

I see one of my great uncles over the weekend, who is as Irish as fuck. You can’t really understand what he’s saying, which is a combo of his accent & him being pretty much brown bread. Fuck knows how he’s still going. But he asked his name about 5 times before he believed me. And then started calling him Winnie ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

And like I’ve said before, every now and then I catch myself saying ‘what the fuck did they call him/her’ and then I have to check myself. Because I have a kid called Bear for fuck sake. And a white baby called Winston. And a Maximus, who I don’t shorten to Max ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ So I should shut my big fat mouth.

My only hope is that Winston, doesn’t grow up thinking his name has a Jamaican accent. The shittest Jamaican accent at that. We can never seen to just say his name ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

But as always Party People. Each to their own! Live and let live! Be happy.

Alabama Lola ๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿพ

The baby daddy diaries. Petrol is life.

Once upon a time, there was a girl called Lauren & a boy called Allan, they met in a club in Epping, then become the ultimate couple goals ๐Ÿ˜Ž

I was driving yesterday and remembered ONE of mine & the baby daddies most epic arguments ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

So about, 8ish years ago most prob , me and the baby daddy went to the cemetery ๐Ÿค— to visit my dead nans ashes, that are chilling with my grandads coffin. Fuck knows why because they wasn’t together from when I was at least 3. So God knows whose bright idea it was to put them together.

I don’t know why I even brought the baby daddy with me, he’d only met my nan once & that was when she was brown bread on her sofa. I had not long been with him, when I got a phone call early one morning, to say she’d died, so he drove me down to her house. And sat in the chair opposite the sofa ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Sod that mate! But it was the honeymoon stage, when you go out of your way for eachother & really like one another. So we did stuff together then.

But in classic us style, it still ended in WW900.

So I drove us to the cemetery, drive in, towards the car park, which is a 2minute walk up to the plot. As I’m about to park, the baby daddy starts telling me to drive up the tiny little road, which runs through the middle of the cemetery. Which, is really just for the hearses, it’s only a small gaff, not like city of London, where there’s basically a dual carriageway running through the whole thing. So our first argument started because I was saying no, you park & then walk up. He’s telling me to just drive up. Blah blah blah. I don’t know why on this one occasion i even listened to him! I never usually do.

Well as I begin to drive up, the tiny road, which is off a tiny little roundabout, THE CAR CUTS OUT ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Why you ask …? Oh because I’m one of those people that likes to run the car on fumes ๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ The type of people the baby daddy hates with a passion. And even now we argue about. He loves to tell me how it will ruin the car, how it brings all the shit through the engine. All the usual shite. So the car broke down because there wasn’t a scrap of petrol in it. I’d driven from Loughton to Tottenham on an empty tank, just looking at the light on the dashboard ๐Ÿ˜Ž giving 0 fucks. But obvs the baby daddy was none the wiser. Until we broke down on a bend, on a tiny road, in a cemetery.

We’re now screaming at eachother. I’m a ‘lazy’ c bomb ๐Ÿค— he’s ‘not my fucking dad’ so piss off ‘don’t tell me what to do with my car’ blah blah blah.

Then I kid you not, it gets better. Like a scene out of only fools and horses. As were screaming at eachother, I see a fucking funeral procession coming through the entrance! Hearse & cars galore ๐Ÿ˜ฑ And we’re in my broken down car, which is pretty much blocking their way, to their ready & waiting plot. I wanted to die on the spot there and then! This has stopped our screaming, I’ve decided I can run to the nearest petrol station, which was still about a mile away ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป I don’t know fast I thought I was but I literally sprinted, then half way there realised I’d forgotten my bloody purse!!!! So had to make a split decision, if I went back or carried on. And chanced it. So I kept running, nearly died. Had to explain the worst story ever & leave my phone as insurance ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ

Obviously I am no Usain Bolt & was quite a while coz i was unfit as fuck at the time as well. So while I was gone, the baby daddy was left in the worst situation in the whole world ๐Ÿ˜‚ When I returned he was FUMING. He basically had to see the hearse round my car, for them to squeeeeeeeeeze through the tiniest gap ๐Ÿ˜‚ the road is not meant for 2 cars. So fuck knows how they managed it. But can you imagine, turning up to bury your loved one. And 2 dickheads have basically blocked their final journey ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜ฑ

But up I rocked with my little green can of petrol, once they’d squeezed trough. Standing at the graveside. I couldn’t get that petrol in quick enough! So we could get the fuck out of there before they’d finished up throwing in the mud & what not.

After remembering it the other day, I rang the baby daddy to remind him. And we both just laughed. How we are still together I don’t know. The things we’ve argued about, still argue about!!! ๐Ÿ˜Š Sometimes i look at him & imagine what songs we’d play at his funeral. Then other times, when he is ‘man’ so breaking something up in the garden, lifting shit, I think uhh huh honeyyyyy.

So don’t ever forget it Party People, we are ultimate couple goals. And just like everyone else. EVERYONE argues. Even the ones that make out they love their ‘best friend’ every day. Even the ones that say ‘date night with this one’ ๐Ÿคข

The grass is greener where you water it!!!

Alabama Lola ๐Ÿ’‘

My body. I say what goes.

Most prob one of the most taboo subjects you can speak about. BUT hey ho.

First of all, I’ll start by saying, it’s nothing I’m ashamed or embarrassed about.

So, nearly 10 years ago, I got myself pregnant! Totally unplanned and by accident. I was 22, with the baby daddy (Who wasn’t the baby daddy then) and on the pill. And I can remember driving through Tottenham, on my way home from work. It then come into my brain, that I hadn’t come on! And couldn’t remember if I even had, on my last pill break. I’m literally the worst person at noticing or remembering anything, if you asked any of my BFFs, they would confirm this. So it’s not complete fuckery, that I wouldn’t notice such a thing๐Ÿ˜ฌ Then I mentioned to my sister In law, that the smell of everything was making me heave! And she said, ‘you’re not pregnant are you?!’ I then started to shit myself. I made her go to the shops and buy my a pregnancy test, I was too embarrassed to buy one. Telling you how mature I was ๐Ÿ˜Ž So I did the test, waited and POW, PREGNANT. I was just looking at it and laughing. My sister in law didn’t know what to say, other than ‘are you ok’ and I just couldn’t not laugh. You know when you laugh at a really inappropriate time but can’t help it.

When the baby daddy came home, I told him and he didn’t really know what to say, mainly because I was taking the pill. But, he was all hands on deck for having a baby ๐Ÿ˜ฑ He’s only a couple of years older than me but he’s one of those old heads, on young shoulders type of people. I didn’t really know exactly how far I was gone but knew it must of been at least 8ish weeks. So, after telling him, it kind of seemed as though we were having a baby … Not that we had really properly discussed it or come to some kind of decision. Classic us. So happy we’ve changed now … NOT.

A few days passed, I couldn’t sleep at night, which is totally unlike me. We were really couple goals then, as well! This was our heyday, when I locked him out on the balcony, then kept flicking the kettle, to reboil it over & over again, threatening him with it, if he tried to get back in. Which then resulted in him smashing the glass ๐Ÿ˜ฎ It was right around the time of the old fave story, when he took all my clothes and shoes to the charity shop ๐Ÿ˜Ž So we had the most loving home to give. But, then one night I was laying in bed and I realised I was having a baby, only because I didn’t know, how NOT to have a baby! I can only explain it as dawning on me, that I didn’t have to stay pregnant. This is what I meant in terms of not, even thinking/talking about all our options.

So once I got to work early doors in the morning, I rang one of my BFFs and said, you have to find out what I have to do, ring the people for me, sort me out an appointment. Because i didn’t have a clue.

So she rang the family planning clinic for me, told them the coo. And made me an appointment with the doctor. So off I went to Harlow family planning clinic, on my lonesome. You have to have a consultation/Chat with the doctor about your circumstances, reasons and all that jazz. Basically to make sure, you won’t go bat shit crazy, after doing it. So I told her how I felt way too young, how me and the baby daddy were not ready. And how, I knew it was the right decision. FOR ME. So she made me an appointment at Marie stopes for the next week.

Obviously I had spoke about it over and over again to my BFFs. And I know I’m not someone that dwells on shit. I’m not one sensitive about stuff. I’m quite practical about shit, so I knew I was making the best decision. And whether it’s wrong or right, I knew that if I felt some kind of way after, if I really wanted too, I could get pregnant again.

Now in all of this time, so from deciding I didn’t want to have a baby, going to an appointment with the Doctor, right up until the morning off the termination. I had not told the baby daddy, my ‘new’ decision ๐Ÿ˜ฑ And it’s most prob my only regret so far in life. Because he literally didn’t have a clue.

So on the morning off the termination, my BFF picked me up, en route to the clinic, the baby daddy rang me to ask what I was doing and I said, going to have an abortion. And obvs the shit hit the fan. He went fucking crazy, started calling me alllllll the names under the sun. And then the piรจce de rรฉsistance was ‘you’re a murderer’. Woah. By time I listened to all that, I was outside the clinic, so literally put the phone down on him. I then went in, on my lonesome. I didn’t want anyone with me, plus they can’t come any further than the waiting room anyway, so I didn’t see the point.

So I walked in, first of all, I was the only person on my own, so I felt a bit like hoe ๐Ÿ˜ฎ They gave me a test kit for chlamydia, so I had to do that straight away. Obvs I got the all clear ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป mainly because my mum put the fear of god into me as a teenager about sleeping about ๐Ÿค— Knob Mum. Sow your oats gal dem ๐Ÿ‘…

Then I got called into a little room with a nurse for a scan, the scan monitor is facing away from you. But she asks if you want to see it, I didn’t. Because I dated about 12 weeks, I couldn’t have the tablet. Which basically brings on a miscarriage. I had to have what they call a surgical abortion. Which sounds horrific but I can’t say it was, I chose to have a conscience sedation, so you’re awake but out of it really. So I can remember bits, but I mainly remember thinking, this is what it must be like to do drugs. I also had the coil fitted straight away as well, which they gave me the choice about. Then the weirdest/surreal part of it all, was then being put into the ‘recovery/waiting room’ where I had to wait until, I had eaten a biscuit and drunk something, been to the toilet & all that jazz. But the room was like something out of a sci-fi film, so loads of chaise type chairs, sitting opposite other women, that have obvs had the same thing done. That was the only bit that freaked me out a bit. But I was then home within a few hours. I had a period pain type belly ache for a day but that was it.

The baby daddy was still mad dog and obviously upset. Not that he said that. Still for years he would bring it up during an argument, calling me a murderer. BUT I do understand why he was so mad dog. And I never took what he said any differently to calling me the C word ๐Ÿ˜ฑ I knew that I’d made the best decision, so he couldn’t make me feel any differently about it. I don’t know if that made him even more mad dog! But at the end of the day, you’ve got to look after number 1 Party People. ESPECIALLY if you’re only 22 & only been with someone for over a year! When it’s concerning the rest of your whole life!

And that’s why I truly feel no regret about it. The baby daddy knows it’s was the right choice now! I can guarantee we would not of stayed together for that long! I know I could of quite easily had a baby, I know I would of coped, I’m sure it would of been ok BUT that’s not what I wanted! Selfish or not, I wouldn’t of been on all the girls holidays I have, I wouldn’t of been to Vegas twice, i wouldn’t have gone out every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night every week! I defo wouldn’t have Maximus, Bear and Winston now. It would of taken some of MY best and favourite years.

Obviously this is how I felt, everyone’s different. Some people want kids young, I didn’t. My mum had 5kids before she was 28, that was what her generation did. I knew that wasn’t for me. I don’t judge or care what others want to do, each to their own is my life mantra!

I can’t say I ever give it much thought, Ireland getting abortion finally passed recently, got me thinking about it. And how lucky I was, to be able to make my own choice and be able to do it! It’s my body! So only i can make that decision, even if it concerns someone else (the baby daddy) ultimately it’s all on me! His life wouldn’t have to change, similar to now really ๐Ÿ™„

I wanted to ‘talk’ about it because I think as long, as you’re not using it as a form of contraception. It’s a choice that you have! And mainly to say, if you’re on the pill, MAKE SURE YOU TAKE IT PROPERLY! I was one of those people, that took it whenever I remembered, so one day, I’d take it in the morn, then the next I’d take it at 10pm! Some days I wouldn’t remember, so would swallow 3 in one go๐Ÿ˜ฎ And that’s how I ended up pregnant, it’s not 100% affective when taken correctly. So fuck knows what I lowered the affective’ness too, taking it like I was.

Peace out homies. Do you boo. Have safe sex. Love thy neighbour.

Alabama Lola โœŒ๐Ÿป

MAXIMUS ARTHEY 18.8.15

Wham bam thank you mam. So just over 3 years ago today, I gave birth to bouncing baby boy, Maximus.

I fell pregnant with him after having 2 miscarriages on the bounce. His pregnancy has been my worst so far, I was sooooooo sick throughout. I lost weight being pregnant with him! I couldn’t eat anything and just spewed. I went to the early pregnancy unit a few times and was admitted, to go on a drip & have fluids pumped in. Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) is really wank! I literally didn’t speak to the baby daddy for the whole time I was pregnant, other than to tell him to ‘fuck off’ and ‘leave me alone’. I had to drive with a sick bucket! I would wake up in the middle of the night to be sick! My friends hated me ๐Ÿ˜‚ coz I was so moody. It’s honestly the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And would only wish it on People I don’t like ๐Ÿ˜Ž So I always want to punch people in the back of their shit heads, when they tell me they’ve got it or had it. Yet, they’re out shopping, having a fucking ‘baby moon’, sorting the babies nursery, rocking a blow dry! IF YOU HAD IT THAT SHIT WOULD NOT BE GOING DOWN. I mainly just sat on the sofa, with a sick bucket. I can remember crying my eyes out, on the phone to my BFF whilst my head was over the toilet, saying how shit I felt & feeling so faint. I had thoughts of having an abortion at times! Because it was so horrendous. But wanting a mini Raoul Moat outweighed the dog shitness.

So I put those donut people in the same league, as the people who say they have flu. Yet are standing upright in front of my very eyes๐Ÿ™„ Errr no mate, I’ve had flu once in my life & I could not move for 3 days! So grow up.

Maximus was born nearly 4 weeks early, my waters went whilst I was at Petes house, looking after Finn & Deliah. Peta had gone into have Frey on the Monday morning, so I’d been doing her housework all day. I made Finn his favourite Gammon roast. I ironed the bed sheets. Then about 10pm I had a bath and got into Petes bed. I really had a feeling he was coming that night. But didn’t say anything to anyone. I had said a few days before, that I felt like my vagina was going to fall off ๐Ÿ˜‚ I know now that was his head engaged.

I then awoke at 11.45pm to my waters going! There were waters galore! I literally jumped out of bed & they came out like there was no tomoz! I could paddle on the floor in the water. I then rang the baby daddy, who praise the lord had only just fallen asleep! He’s the heaviest sleeper I know, so he would not of woken up to his phone! Then I called the labour ward, who umm’d and ahh’d about me coming in, as I wasn’t having contractions. But because I wasn’t 37 weeks and had tested positive for strep B, they said come in. I then called my sister. So she got picked up by my mum & they drove over to Petes house.

The baby daddy had already said he didn’t want to come in, when I was in labour ๐Ÿ˜ฑ And everyone tried telling me, he would change his mind when it actually come to it. But i knew he wouldn’t. He’s literally useless! So I honestly wasn’t bothered, I just didn’t want him to regret not coming. Obviously this was my first birth, so I didn’t know how it would be. So my main concern, was that we would end up killing each other ๐Ÿ˜‚ I kid you not, he would not give 2 shits that I was in labour, he wouldn’t be able to process that shit, in his tiny brain. So my mother and sister were coming in with me.

Now, whilst all the peoples were driving over. I was walking round Petes house, with a bath sheet in between my legs, i was still leaking my waters like a mofo. I stripped Petes bed, mopped up all my waters, I got out Delilah’s & Finns clothes for the morning. They were going up to the hospital in the morning, to meet their new baby brother Frey. So I knew Pete wouldn’t want them looking like tramps or with just thrown together clothes! I didn’t want to ring Pete & tell her I was in labour, even though I knew she’d be up. Coz I didn’t want her to have to worry about the kids & Who was going to look after them. I had tried ringing Mac about 100 times! But she’s one of those divs that turns her phone off at night. So luckily, the baby daddy’s mum came over to Petes to be there for the kids. They had met her before, so it wasn’t a stranger to them.

I wrote a list of things that needed doing for the morning, luckily she’s a good egg and didnt mind some hard graft ๐Ÿ˜‚

The baby daddy, my mum and sister then arrived about 12.30? I still wasn’t having any pains. So felt grand. So my mother drove me to the hospital, it was en route that I could start to feel a bit of a belly ache coming and going. So I thought I’ll time them just incase these are something. And they were coming every 2mins.

So I arrived at the hospital about 1am, still nothing to complain about. The midwife asked me if I was having any contractions & I said I didn’t know ๐Ÿ˜€ That I was having some pains coming and going but nothing bad. So she told me I had ages yet. She couldn’t examine me, because I wasn’t 37weeks, so I had to wait for a Doctor. She put me on the monitor to listen to Maximus’ heart, he was grand, so I told her to take it off. I didn’t like lying down, it felt worse. LUCKILY, there was a doctor outside. He come in & examined me & told me I was 10cm ๐Ÿ˜ฑ So I walked round to the other room. En route round, the midwife asked me if I wanted any pain relief, I said no as I felt a bit sick but I’m not a martyr! So if i change my mind, don’t be telling me no!

I got in the room and I said I need the toilet, I need a poo! So I went in and nada, come back out and said I need to go again. And my mother said ‘that’s the baby’ and I shouted it’s not the baby, I’m Gona SHIT MYSELF ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป And then i bent over the bed ๐Ÿ˜Ž The midwife started having a panic attack, she was trying to get the fucking Cannula into my hand for the antibiotics! But then started shouting at me to get on the bed ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Told my mum to press the button! And with that, his head was out and chilling ๐Ÿ˜‚ A couple of other midwives come in. I can remember her holding down my knees. My mum and sister in the corner of the room, my mum had tried to touch me when I got on the bed ๐Ÿ˜‚ But I said ‘what the fuck are you doing’ ๐Ÿ˜ฉ And Carrie kept telling me she could see him. Then once his head was out, nothing else happened. The contractions just stopped. So his head was chilling there for a couple of minute. I shouted FUCK A DUCKKKKKKKKK a few times & YOU FUCKING LITTLE PRICK ๐Ÿ˜‚ as his head came out. Then I pushed the rest of him out. And my work was did at 2.19am ๐Ÿ˜Ž

I really can’t complain about giving birth, my mum had always said ‘it’s like doing a big poo’ and that’s how i can only describe it as. I know it’s not like that for everyone but for me, it was a piece of piss ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

Although my placenta didn’t come out with Maximus, so I had to go to theatre to have it out ๐Ÿค— But even that wasn’t horrific. Weird but not painful. They wheeled me round, after Maximus was taken to special care for his antibiotics. They tried to inject me in my back but I passed out ๐Ÿ˜ญ And I can remember coming round to everyone over me. The only time I panicked is when I heard them say they might have to give me a general anaesthetic, if it didn’t work. I can remember just being frightened they’d give me too much and I wouldn’t wake up! And thinking about Maximus! But then they got it in. And I had to wait for it to kick in. They spray you with some cold spray, which you should be able to feel but not feel that’s it cold. It’s really weird! Then they go in & get that placenta out!!!! I was literally lying there with a woman, with her whole entire arm, up inside me!!!! I could feel her rooting about and trying to tug at the placenta ๐Ÿ˜‚

All whilst the radio was playing and she was chatting to the nurse. And the hottest male anaesthetist I’d ever seen! I swear to god I can remember almost apologising for not doing my bikini line to him๐Ÿ˜‚ THANK FUCK I DIDNT! Could you imagine, I’ve just given birth & im flirting with the man numbing my vagina & lady parts!!!! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ฉAnd even though it wasn’t ideal, it’s not painful! It’s just an Inconvenience & really common! So no fear if yours decides to stay in your body.

After all that beef, I then went into the recovery room and waited for Maximus to come back with my mum, from special care. The baby daddy and my sister were asleep over a desk. And I told them to go home, I kid you not, they couldn’t of moved quicker if they fucking tried! The baby daddy had already told me how tired he was! So he was too frightened to hold the baby ๐Ÿ™„ The midwife also came in & apologised for telling me I had ages. But thy she could only go by what I was telling her. Which I totes got.

Once my mother left, I then text Mac, Pete & Julie a picture of the baby on my chest ๐Ÿ˜‚ And Pete text back straight away in shock. She did eventually ask about the welfare of her beloved children ๐Ÿ˜‚.

We stayed a couple of days in hospital because of the strep B. Maximus had to have the antibiotics until his blood culture thangs came back. The first day I just wanted to get home. But then I honestly loved it! Just me and him, on our own. I really love the hospital time, I find it so special! And I feel like I really know, in that moment how special the time is. And I try and take in alllllll in, whilst I’m there. If you’re with child now, really savour it whilst your in there. It honestly goes so fast, it’s scary.

So this time 3 years ago, I was loving life, chilling on the sofa, whilst Maximus did nothing but sleep. I was watching the sopranos box set for about 10hrs a day! Oh how life has changed!

PEACE OUT KIDS

Alabama Lola ๐Ÿคฐ๐Ÿป

Algebra you slag

You know when your kid and you get all excited about opening a letter. And you’d wonder why your mum, would just pick them up and put them on the side! Not even rushing to open them. Then you become an adult and realise, that the only thing that comes through the letter box, is bills! Every fucking day, some slag company wants money. No French pen pal is writing to me! No, I have epping forest council on the regular, crying about paying the council tax. Which seems to go up every year, yet my car goes down a pot hole every 2 meters, my bins have maggots in them, there’s about 2 policemen to 20,000 residents. Being an adult is dog wank.

So last week, all was well in the world and then I opened my post! And taaadaaaaa a fucking bailiffs letter ๐Ÿ˜Ž Now, if you’re a goody two shoes, pay all your bills on time, then don’t come for me. Because I am not your type of person. It was from the court, telling me I had so many days until a bailiff would call, if I didn’t pay the amount, which is ยฃ250. But underneath it, there’s another amount of ยฃ3000 ๐Ÿ™„ So I didn’t have a clue what they were coming at me for. So I rang the court and the woman tells me, I have a fucking CCJ!!!! News to me biatch! So that kind of stopped me in my tracks. Mainly because I didn’t & still don’t know what a CCJ is, other than the court are getting themselves in involved. So I have to pay it blah blah blah. The court woman gave me the solicitors details, who are acting on behalf of the creditor. So I rang them & they tell me it’s for some credit card I had when I was about 18. But hold fire on that for now.My main concern was the CCJ that’s living life on my credit file now. I told the woman this was the first I’ve heard of it & surely I should of had some kind of chance to deal with it, before it got to a CCJ. She informed me, that yes I did have to be given a chance & been informed of it prior. And she tells me they’ve been sending letters to some address, I haven’t been at for over 5years! And they were getting ‘return to sender’ letters back! Well fuck a duck Sherlock, surely that gave you the heads up! So I’ve had to send some form to the council, blah blah blah, that basically says I want to suspend the debt. And some long letter about wanting to appeal the CCJ. Now the debt, is from years ago! Well over 10years, so some debt advice company that the court woman, gave me the details of. Told me I can appeal it on the basis of it being statute barred, which is basically where a certain amount of time has passed, since any payment or communication was had with the company, so they can’t chase me for it anymore ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰ Do I feel bad .. NO! First of all, I took the card out when I was 18!!! When every 2 bob company offered me everything and anything! Every time you go shopping & your at the tills paying, the shop assistant is asking you if you want a store card! So now, I’m older and wiser, I think FUCK YOU! I honestly never had a clue when I was 18 about anything to do with credit reports/profiles/scores and how being late on payments, missing payments would fuck you over! When you want to take out a finance on something you really want or need, you can’t! For when you want to get a mortgage, it affects your rate and all that jazz! It makes my blood boil that they don’t teach this shit at school! Why do I need to know that 3.14 shit & all about algebra! When I’ve never used it in real life EVER! Yet, these life skills that really matter, not a fucking mention! Then I get mad dog at my mum and dad, coz they never mentioned this shit either! So there dicks too. But my point being, if these companies want to prey on people. Then fuck them! They can swivel for their money. No 18year old needs a fucking credit card! Or a store card for Ikea … what the fuck was I buying in ikea at 18! And I wouldn’t mind, when I was buying all this shit initially, I had the money to buy it there and then! Because I never went into a shop with the intention of getting a store card! These companies should be held accountable for allowing people to get into debt! And so should the likes of Topshop & new look, who then try and entice you with one at the till! I imagine they get some kind of commission. I know that everyone has a choice and all that jazz. But some people don’t know it’s going to be a problem, until it’s too late. So it really shouldn’t be that easy! I’m only thankful that I was so young, when I was living it up in Topshop errryday. Because it made me realise early doors that I had to pay that shit off. So before it would of attacked me, when it came to buying a house. I’m not saying I’ve knocked everyone. I paid all that shit off years back! But this one is defo getting knocked. The best bit about it all, is when the letter came. And I was trying to sort it out. I wasn’t speaking to the baby daddy. So when I was on the phone to the court and the solicitors, I was speaking loud enough for him to hear. Knowing that it would be killing him! KILLING HIM, to not come down and say WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FOR ๐Ÿ˜‚ He only asked me today, what i had a letter about ๐Ÿ˜‚ He’s the type of person that I want to be, accounts for all his money. Pays everything on time ๐Ÿ™„ Hates people that spend above their means … so basically hates me! But listen, sometimes the council tax has to send me a reminder letter, so that I can own something i need ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป I really should put that on a direct debit but I forget that shit.Although when I first opened the letter, I did think SHIT, the baby daddy is going to ruin my life ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ And then I thought ohhhh fuck yourself! What can he say, I had a life before him. I had a credit card, I didn’t pay it, NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS! Until they repossess our house he pays for ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ So, if you’re young and fresh. Have your whole life ahead of you kind of thing. Don’t be a dick like I was! Really look after your credit score! I’m going to join that Experian again. And watch mine like hawk, like I did pre mortgage. And if you have kids, tell them about this shit!!!! Oh and the best thing is, I now can’t find the fucking letter! So I don’t know any of my case numbers and the info they ask for! And I need to know that they’ve got that form! To make sure the bailiff doesn’t turn up, take my car, take my tv, take the baby daddy’s playstation ๐Ÿ˜‚ Call the police because I’ve set the dog on him ๐Ÿ™„ Why am i such a shit adult! WHY Mucho love Alabama Lola โœ‰๏ธ

Honest parenting

I wrote a blog a while back about instagrams mind fuckness. How we look at what people CHOOSE to show us, the cringe captions they write to go with them & then decide their lives are sooooo much better than ours.

But this topic is specifically about ‘insta mums’ and how we think they’re Iceland’s Mum of year because of their posts.

So obviously I’m the maker and owner of children. So I follow plenty of ‘insta mums’ and as I post about #MumLife. I’m an insta mum as well. Which is all gravy. Now, the main purpose of this blog, is to say DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE! And don’t make yourself feel like shite because you’re comparing yourself against someone else. As I said in my previous blog on the subject, I look at all my feed with common sense, especially when it comes to other mums. If I didn’t, I would honestly feel like shit!

Now, we all LOVE our children, that’s never up for debate. Yet, most people on instagram, only ever declare their undying love for their kids! Telling us, how they’ve had such a lovely day, how they’ve loved spending time with their kids. Blah blah fucking blah. And I don’t doubt they did all have a lovely day. And that they do like spending time with their kids. BUT not every god damn second of the day!

So when I’m seeing these posts, I HAVE to actually tell myself that they all have shit as well! That they must shout at their kids as well! They must lose their temper and then feel guilty. They must grab their child by the arm, dragging them along the ground ๐Ÿ˜ฑ possibly resulting in a dislocated shoulder. They must find bath time a fucking chore! And end up shouting about the kids splashing all the water out of the bath, covering the floor. So finding the towel that you use as a bath mat, to wipe it up for the millionth time! They must start reading the book, their perfect child has chosen, and then get the hump with said child, as they turn the fucking page that you haven’t finished reading! So you end up saying ‘I’m not fucking reading it then’. They must threaten to punch their kids head in, if he kicks the back of the drivers seat one more time! THEY MUST.

But they don’t tell you any of that shit. And obviously that’s their choice! BUT it’s a mind fuck, even to people that are quite confident and strong minded in their parenting abilities. Now, without sounding wankey, I know I’m a good mum! As are 99% of mums, yet some question this about themselves. Even when I’ve had the most dog shit of days, reacted at every single thing the boys have done. I still speak to myself out loud, saying it’s ok! Its ok, to lose my temper, it’s ok to shout at them. It’s not ideal ๐Ÿ˜ฉBUT it’s life. And sometimes life is a bit shit. As much as I’d love to let Maximus, Bear & eventually Winston do whatever they want, that’s not real life.

First off, they’re happy. So that’s a win straight off. They’re clean, most of the time. I feed them. I spend time with them, I take them out. They live their best lives!!! So, for me, I’m doing a good job.

You see posts, about a family having the best holiday! And you get jealous! You start hating your husband/partner/baby daddy for something they haven’t done ๐Ÿ˜‚ You think that you’re the shittest family, all because of someone’s holiday photos. A photo of dad building sandcastles with the kids, a photo of them out for dinner in their best clothes, drinking cocktails, the kids are using cutlery, they’re not eating chicken nuggets/sausages and chips!! BUT let’s get real, first of all, I know that I take untold photos of the baby daddy and the kids! Mainly because it’s a miracle that he’s doing something ๐Ÿ˜Ž But really for memories! So when they get older, these photos exist. So I’m sure these other baby daddies aren’t building sandcastles for hours on end! We all go out for dinner, we all get dressed up for holiday dinners, everyone has ‘the cocktail’ photo. We’ve all ordered the most over the top looking cocktail, which tastes like shit, so don’t drink. Then get the hump about paying the ยฃ15 for it! It’s the Instagram life we lead now ๐Ÿ˜ฌAnd their kids aren’t eating the dinner and they still get their ice cream ๐Ÿ˜‚ despite all the shit we tell them ‘well if you don’t eat it, you won’t get ice cream! Bear will, but you wont’ ๐Ÿ™„

You see some new mum, looking all size 8, no tummy and hate yourself. And listen, I post photos of myself looking all fly for a white guy ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป BUT it’s all an optical illusion! And I feel like I’m straight up with people! First of all, any photo I’m putting up, IS MY BEST PHOTO out of 100 I’ve taken! I have make up on, I’ve worn something other than tracksuit bottoms and a baggy top! And as always! I’ve been able to hide 3 pregnancies on instagram! With Maximus I was still taking selfies right up until I had him! Now I know a few people guessed but know one ever said It to me. And again with Bear & Winston! So if this doesn’t tell you how misleading a photo is, I don’t know what will!!!!! I would never want to put ANYTHING up and make someone feel like shite because of it! So that’s why I’m honest about everything.

Also, one of my pet hates at the moment, are BUMP photos. I feel as though it’s the fashionable thing to have a tiny bump! So all these people putting up their 6month bump photo, with NO FUCKING bump. Alright mate! Now I know there’s always exceptions, some people will have tiny bumps! BUT let’s be real, most people will have a bump! You have a baby growing inside of you. I swear they’re putting up photos from earlier in their pregnancy, ๐Ÿ˜ŠMy point being, when you’re looking at these posts! Be realistic, don’t just take it for what you see! Because that means nothing on instagram! When I looked in the mirror this morning, I was like WOAHHHH. My skin is shit, because I’ve eaten nothing but 6 crunchies every day for over a week and drunk all the Coca Cola I can! My eyebrows are OUT OF THIS WORLD! My hair is just shoved on top of my head. And then I see some well turned out mum on there and could feel like shit because of it. But then I had a word with myself, my eyebrows are out of this world because I can’t get a fucking appointment at the same time, that someone can watch my children! My hairs shit because I decided to be a martyr and cut it all off for charity ๐Ÿ™„

The only ‘high maintenance’ thing about me, is my nails. And that’s only because my sister in law does them for me. So it doesn’t matter that all the kids are there, opening her nail box ๐Ÿ˜ฑ pulling apart all her colour wheel ๐Ÿ˜ฌ Or that I have Maximus jumping all over me, so jogging my hand, so that she has to redo the nail ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

And whilst I hammer on about being realistic when you’re looking at peoples shit. I wish, these people would be more HONEST. That they’d tell you about the dog shit, instead of making out their mum of the year ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Be upfront that they have untold support or help, so it’s easy for them to flounce off and get their nails or hair done. Which in turn has given them time away from the cherubs ๐Ÿ˜Ž So they then feel a little less stressed! So they will have more patience in dealing with the kids!!

That why Luisa Zuissman is my absolute fave mum on instagram, she keeps it totally real! She’s not making out, she has all 3 kids tied to her whilst she’s trying to decorate a summer house! Or make out that she’s had the best holiday with her kids, that she kept them entertained for the whole holiday by herself! No, she is upfront about having her mum to help, that she has a nanny! It makes you feel better! So you don’t feel like, she knows something you don’t know, about getting more hours out of the day! So bravo her. it’s all relative as well, everyone has shit, regardless of their circumstances! So it’s not saying anyone has anything easier than anyone else. Because we all have problems to deal with.

But let’s be responsible for our own mental health! And not allow ourselves to feel ‘low’ about snippet of someone’s best bit! And In turn, be kind to others! Love thy neighbour and all that jazz. Be upfront every now and then.

Peace out

Alabama Lola ๐Ÿญ